dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
Randomize
