My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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