i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
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