Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
