I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
What kind of poor, pathetic town do we live in where a horny teenage girl is sitting in her basement on a saturday night, unlaid?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
