Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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