I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
