so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
