Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
it's like i can feel the ghost of his dick still inside me
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
