mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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