Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
