This is some kinda fucked up sordid doggy brothel peepshow bullshit.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I think the cashier at 7/11 might be planning an intervention for me.
Randomize
