Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
Farmville is her only friend.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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