my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
They are going to name an STD after you.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
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