You made me cry and you don't even care
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Randomize
