you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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