I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You must have had one hell of a time explaining to that girl why aladin soundtrack was playing on repeat in your room when you got back
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
so as he was cumming he sort of growled with one eye squinted... for a moment there I thought I was fucking Popeye
I put his pb&j sandwich in my bra and never looked back
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
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