Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Randomize
