Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
just chugging fertility tea and vodka, no big deal.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
I refuse to shit my pants for anyone except Cher and Christina Aguilera!
Randomize
