I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
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