My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
let's just pour the lemonade mix into the soco. cut out the middle man.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
ONE DAY CAN WE PLEASE HAVE SECRET SEX. PREFERABLY IN AN ANCIENT PYRAMID BUT I'M NOT OPPOSED TO A 4 STAR HOTEL
Randomize
