He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I just used dish soap as body wash. I smell like a dishwasher exploded. isn't the end of the semester fun?
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
