This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
