Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
