proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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