The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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