How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
just used a paint mixing cup as a shot glass. thank u art school.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
woke up to find a case of beer in the oven and a random puppy in the house...guess i had a party last night?
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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