My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
Randomize
