i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
