I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
She came out of my bathroom wearing nothing but high top Converse, a leather jacket and a tongue stud. I love rock bars.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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