Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
