its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
it was like fucking the hulk in a smartcar
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
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