Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
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dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
smoked some of that legal weed last night, felt like God himself legit bent me over his knee and spanked my ass. Never again..never.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
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