he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
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