His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
