During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
Randomize
