and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
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