I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
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I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I need my sock, sombrero, maracas, and I just heard I had a light saber, if thats the case...i want that back too
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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