I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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