A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
