i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
