I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
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ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
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How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
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