So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Nothing worse then being at the gym on the elliptical next to a guy looking at porn on his phone
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Randomize
