census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
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