i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Seriously I am not buying you condoms anymore. You're 22, if you aren't woman enough to buy them yourself then you don't deserve orgasms. Grow some tits.
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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