Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
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