Are we in a gay sports bar?
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Am I a whore if I make out with a boy just so michelle can't?
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
Randomize
