I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
