I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
