The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I'm gonna fight the coyote
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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