I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
Haha crisis adverted. Just told my dad I need to bone this guy. Nbd. He totes understands
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Randomize
