I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
You kept spitting the skittles out cause you said they tasted like "balls of sandpaper"
woke up this morning in the hall outside of my parents room with a sign taped to myself that said "im sorry"...
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I think if I send him enough nudes, he will buy my plane ticket.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
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