I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize