Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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