Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
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I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The Universe is CLEARLY playing a bad joke on your sex life
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
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